This is not a joke. Repeat, not a joke
If I had grown up anywhere except for Oklahoma, then I might have thought a story on the evening news last night was a joke. And to be sure, it is the very reason that people in more progressive parts of our country legitimately ask me if it is still like the cowboys and Indians days where people ride on horses, etc.
I looked up from the computer during the 10'o-clock news last night and there was a man dressed to the 9's in his full Indian garb talking about how he wanted to halt construction because they were encroaching on an ancient medicinal land for the tribe he belongs to. Headfeathers, beaded breastplate, decorated war stick. I am not kidding, I thought if I were someone from NYC and I happened to be in OKC and I happened to turn on the news, I would probably not believe what I was seeing on the news. It was almost an out of body experience watching it. Heck, and I grew up with this stuff. Heck, and I'm Indian (Native American).
thankful
This morning, I am thankful that God is both sovereign and good, and I am thankful that He has brought me to a place of (semi) believing this. I was traveling yesterday from North Carolina to Oklahoma by plane, and I had prayed for opportunities to encounter people, whether they be Christian or non-Christian during my time traveling (that sounds futuristic).
So, on the 2nd leg of my trip yesterday I sat next to a guy my age and we got to talking. Within minutes, the obligatory "what do you do?" question surfaced. I explained that I was in seminary. The conversation continued. He later brought up and asked if I wanted to be a pastor. "Yes, of a college sort." "What made you want to do that?" "I really think that students at that age need some grounding, and what a better time to reach them than when they are learning everything else about life?" The conversation continued and I realized that he grew up Catholic, his wife Lutheran, but he wanted to raise their kids in the Catholic church, "because it is what he knows." The conversation trailed off...
What I later realized is that I responded to an inquiry about my call into ministry by some formulaic answer instead of saying something about how the Lord had rescued me from
my sin and tendency to despair and doubt so much in life (though I assure you, these doubts still loom large). And as soon as the Catholic topic came up, my mind wandered about as to see how it is that I could demolish his Catholicism and convince him of Protestantism...rather than say, pointing him to Jesus?
So I went 0 for 2. And it didn't feel good. I momentarily questioned my calling, but then realized that God is sovereign, and that perhaps He was just teaching me that these are the veins in the boulders of people's lives that we look for as Christians. Those seemingly insignificant cracks into the heart and soul of who people are. Opportunities to go in and explore. But I am so untrained and ill-equipped in the moutaineering of people's souls, that I failed to see the cracks on which to take hold. Alas, I blew it. And that's okay. God can and does work outside of my vain desires to "help" people, probably to make me feel good at worst, but for salvation and redemption at best. Is the reason I want to pastor people because I think it is a good idea? or has the God and Creator of this world made Himself known to me by great humility and service and life-giving on my (and many others...gotcha! how's that for countering American individualism!) behalf. Probably both, but on my better days, I truly believe it is the latter. I believe, help my unbelief.
It's been a long december...
Not that anyone will read this, but for my own exoneration, i must post. it has been more than 5 months since my last. I have thought of a few things since then, and so i will share.
1) Due to some recent occurrences in my life, i have recently been asking the question: what do i do when someone says something they think is funny (very obviously so through their own hysteria) and I don't. Do i laugh even when it doesn't feel good? (this is a post that i started and now I have no idea what it refers to. can't remember who thought they were funny or anything. joke's on me i guess).
2) But I do remember this one. The extra 'O' as i entitled it. When i began writing papers this April, I noticed a new friend in my life. It was an extra 'o' (the letter 'oh') in any word that regularly contained an o. For instance, i frequently wrote youo instead of you, and I'm g-chatting with a friend right now, and I wrote foro instead of 'for.' It is incredibly annoying, especially when considering that in my last 5 weeks, i have written over 55 pages in papers. That is alot of extra 'o's i assure you. It kind of pisses me off actually. very annoying. my spell check earned its keep to say the least.
3)rest. this is something that I did not do from August-April. not really at all. I worked non-stop. worked myself into the ground really. i justified working on the house after church on Sundays (and every other day, really) as it not really being 'work.' I considered only bank work and school work to be actual 'work' (what a legalist, right?), while in reality, the house project was my #1 idol. I gave it everything, and it took it too. and it didn't give me much back. what a false God. so typical of our idols, they promise us everything, the demand everything of us, and they give us nothing in return. i shouldn't be surprised, and I'm not.
but i have rested these last 4 weeks on Sunday, and it has been wonderful. I re-met my wife and discovered that we are on the same team after all. I have learned more about my idols of performance and approval than i ever wanted to. i have felt rested, and at the same time very very tired (probably a hangover from the previous 8 months). i am grateful that school is over for the semester, that is for sure.
and i hoope (that shouldn't have 2 o's. see poiont 2 above. neither should that word) that there are more of these little post toasties forthcoming.
It's almost time
Just give me a few weeks, and you'll get the new me. Fresh posts from fresh compost. I promise you won't be disappointed (well you may, but that's not a good way to get people to check your blog). May 21 is the day. Not a moment too soon, nor a day too late. Its just the right time. You'll see.
Is it true?
"Is everything sad going to come untrue?" - Sam, Lord of the Rings, the Return of the King.
I could get into a long post here about God destryoying my idols, but i will save that for a rainy day. But what you see above is a passing mark on our electrical inspection for the addition to our house. If you don't know, I wired the addition by myself, but ran into an (God-appointed, I believe) unbelievably picky electrical inspector who disapproved our electrical inspection 5, yes count 5 times before she passed us today. I had 3 different licensed electricians come by and check it out before we received the passing mark this time. I'm so thankful, now I get to learn how to install insulation!!!!! (but not until after my exams of coure)
A well-grounded suspicion
I consider myself to be fairly handy around the house. Part of the reason for this is that I really like to fix things and figure out how to fix things, and another part is that I am cheap. I have a really hard time knowing that the minute the service guy for whatever (A/C, Plumbing, Electrician) steps into your home, his clock is ticking at $100+ per hour.
This morning confirmed all my suspicions and will enforce my hesitancy with calling any of these people ever again.
Yesterday we noticed that the pilot light on our water heater was not staying lit, which consequently means that we have no hot water. I went and re-lit it once and it seemed to work fine. Last night comes, and we notice no hot water, and so sure enough when I check the pilot light, it is off.
This morning I decided to call the plumbers to come out and fix this problem. I had opened the manual for our hot water heater and found out what was wrong (the thermo-coupler was bad) and so I told the plumbing-receptionist over the phone that this was the problem (so as to avoid any unneccessary $100/hr labor charges in diagnosing the problem). She informed me that they charged $115/hr (holy crap!!) and that the part would be $30-$40. I'm resigned to the fact that we need hot water, and so I'm ready to spend this.
Then I get on the internet and find that replacing a thermo-coupler takes about 2 minutes and the part costs about $10.
About 30 seconds after reading this, I'm on the way to the Home Depot to buy one of these, and within 15 total minutes, the new thermo-coupler is installed (literally it takes 2 minutes to take the old one off and put the new one on) for a grand total of $10.63, plus the cost of driving 1.3 miles to home depot. I consider it to be negligible.
And so onward I march in my quest to never be scammed by service technicians again.
Broken Lives
Amazingly, my trip to my hometown this weekend is no different than previous ones. It brings out all kinds of thoughts and emotions. As usual, I ran in to many people that I know and I would like to share a few of their stories:
Friend #1- Middle aged man, wife recently passed away due to brain tumor. He used to be a calm drunk, now he is a raging drunk.
Friend #2- Younger than me, was an alcoholic in high school. No different now.
Friend #3- Younger than me, finalizing a divorce soon. Brother and sister are drug addicts.
Friend #4- My age, moving in with his girlfriend/baby's mother. Will get married soon, according to his father.
Friend #5- Was a good friend's girlfriend in high school. Was married for only a few months and then found out husband was cheating on her. Now divorced and engaged to be remarried. I will comment on a conversation with her later.
So you might be thinking that this post is about how terrible all of them are and how good I am, after all that is how it is looking. Well, you're partly right. It is not about how good I am, but rather about how good I sometimes feel around these people. I can't help but think that my life is pretty much in order. I'm doing things 'the right way' and surely haven't fallen into any of the BIG sins like they have. And then comes Sunday of our trip.
If you know me, you know that I don't need much encouragement in feeling pretty good about myself. In fact, I am probably the biggest Pharisee that you know, whether or not you know it. I am that whitewashed tomb that Jesus talked about. Going out of my way to position myself well before others, all the while trapping myself in lies about my own goodness. One of my favorite ways of doing this is to think and tell others that I am something that I'm not. I played in a golf tournament this weekend, and I played in the championship flight, because you know, I am a GOOD golfer. I was a good golfer in high school, and I got 2nd in a tournament after college, and I generally can beat most people I play with. I love being a good golfer, and if you don't watch it, I'll occassionally brag a little about it.
Sunday comes and I was scheduled to play in the morning round, and I did. I shot a 94. If you are unfamiliar with golf, that is a good round for people who don't play much or simply haven't had the time or opportunity to work on their game. But GOOD golfers don't shoot 94. I was crushed by this. I debated whether or not to turn in my scorecard for the world to see because of the surrounding embarrassment. I handed it in and I lost it. Cried my eyes out. Why? Because I WANTED PEOPLE TO THINK THAT I WAS GOOD. True, I was completely exasperated with the way that I played, I never felt comfortable over the ball and many times had no idea where it was going. But I was embarrassed. My pride could not handle seeing myself in last place at the end of the tournament, which is where I ended up (in a tie- you see, I had to say that).
I told you that I would return to friend #5, and so I do. After she tells Sarah and I about her recent divorce, she then tells us how hard it is to tell people like me about it. It is embarrassing, it is shameful, it is too hard. Although her ex-husbands cheating on her was out of her hands, she was still so embarrassed to talk about it. I know a little bit about the way she feels, though thankfully it did not come through the way of something like a divorce. When we realize that we live broken lives, it is embarrassing. We feel ashamed. We assume that everyone else is doing it right and expects us to do it right too. But my friend was honest, and Sarah and I noticed it immediately, it was refreshing. You see, it is okay to be embarrassed, it is okay to be ashamed of your life, but will you admit it? Will I admit it? I have a broken life, I do not do all things as well as I want people to think I do. I have to see that my house of cards has come down before I will ever look to Christ to put me back together. And it took a stupid golf tournament, something that I am really good at- remember? - to show me that. Ironic, but surely not surprising.
